HomeWayne's WorldThe Vegetable From Purgatory-bean sprouts sprouting in my nightmare
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The Vegetable From Purgatory-bean sprouts sprouting in my nightmare

By Wayne Chan, AsAmNews Humorist

I am going to make a confession, and I already know what your response is going to be, because I’ve heard it a million times.

Here it is… I hate bean sprouts. There – I’ve said it. It’s “out there” now. And as I said, I know what you’re going to say.

Something like, “It’s just a crunch. It doesn’t taste like anything, really.”

Oh really?

In my humble opinion, bean sprouts look like reconstituted, freeze-dried earthworms and has a taste and texture of stale water in day-old lettuce wrap. If death had a taste, that would be it. It’s a vile weed.

Now, for those readers who like bean sprouts, I have no problem with that. Have at it. In fact, you can have mine.

Everyone who knows me knows that I can’t stand bean sprouts. When we go to a Chinese restaurant, and we order a noodle dish, this is what I say: “Please tell the chef not to put bean sprouts in it. No bean sprouts! I’m telling you right now, if the dish comes with bean sprouts, I will send it back. Now, please go back there and repeat these words – no bean sprouts in this noodle dish!”

Fifty percent of the time, the noodle dish comes with bean sprouts. Apparently, I wasn’t as clear as I needed to be when I put in my order.

So, you can imagine my disgust when I read a recent article in The Herald News, entitled, “Ever heard of a chop suey sandwich?”

In the article, it describes this apparently famous and popular sandwich as such: “…it’s only theoretically a sandwich – it’s the bottom half of a hamburger bun smothered in BEAN SPROUTS, vegetables and meat in a sort of beige gravy, with the top of the bun perched atop like a little carb hat. It’s not pretty, it can’t be eaten with your hands, and it has staunch defenders.”

BEAN SPROUTS?!? Beige gravy? Carb hat? It’s not pretty? And this is something you’re supposed to EAT? This is a restaurant where people go and pay real money in order to consume this supposed sandwich?

Before I go on, this isn’t about eating authentic Chinese food or being a snob against westernized versions of Chinese food. I actually like all that stuff. Cream cheese filled won tons? Sweet and sour pork with pineapple? Bring it on.

No, my animosity is directed specifically at that despicable sprout. That is my “thing”.

Everyone has their own tastes, right? And we can’t expect everyone to share our own tastes. Heck, I have a good friend who hates brussels sprouts. I like brussels sprouts. To each their own, right?

While you might like bean sprouts just fine, I feel compelled to fully describe the depth of my animosity towards this putrid vegetable. Let me give you a product analogy using an item we can all agree is not something we’d really like, which should give you a sense as to my true feelings of the dreaded bean sprout and the fact that a reputable newspaper would write an article about it.

Introducing the Used, Smelly Shoe Store. Here at the USSS, we only stock the finest examples of smelly shoes. We source our shoes only from those who have worn them in the dog days of summer, where the smell is truly at it’s nadir. We are committed to selling only the oldest, smelliest shoes at affordable prices. At USSS, we believe everyone deserves to wear a pair of old, smelly shoes at fantastic prices.

Next time I order a noodle dish, maybe I’ll just have them read this column.

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