HomeWayne's WorldBeware of the Unconstitutional Yoga Pose

Beware of the Unconstitutional Yoga Pose

By Wayne Chan

“Uuuuggghh!”

That’s the sound I made that got me into trouble. Specifically, it’s the sound I tend to make when I’m getting out of a nice, comfy sofa.

I don’t know why it happens. I don’t know what causes it. I don’t know why I didn’t make this sound ten years ago. The problem is, my wife Maya seems to have the answer.

She says, “Your whole body is tight. You don’t have any flexibility. You need to do some stretching – you are just so stiff all over!”.

My retort? I say, “What are you talking about? I play tennis 4-5 times a week! I run around that court like there’s no tomorrow! You’re off your rocker, lady!!!”. To be honest, I didn’t actually say the words “You’re off your rocker, lady.”, I think the exact words I used were “Yes dear, you’re completely right, sweetie.”.

But Maya wasn’t finished yet. She said, “You need to do some stretching before you can’t even walk anymore! You need to do some yoga!”.

Ahh, yoga. I’ve seen yoga. I’ve heard about yoga. From my understanding, it started about 5,000 years ago in India. As originally envisioned, yoga was a way of joining, of bringing together, of finding connection. And all this time, I thought the definition of yoga was “creating unnecessary pain out of ludicrous and inhumane body contortions.”

Despite my own personal beliefs that forcing me to do yoga is not what I want to do and may actually violate my Miranda rights, Maya was determined to have me give it a try. She then punched up some videos by Rodney Yee, a famous American yoga instructor.

As the video started, I sat down in my comfy sofa so I could analyze the type of yoga poses that Mr. Yee was demonstrating. For each pose, I started doing a running commentary:

Pose #1: I can tell you right now, that’s not gonna happen.
Pose #2: Anatomically speaking, I don’t think your left foot is ever supposed to touch your right ear. Is his knee double-jointed?
Pose #3: Has he been in a tragic car accident? I don’t see how a normal body can do that.
Pose #4: Rodney didn’t say anything, but are you supposed to take muscle relaxants before doing that pose?
Pose #5: OK. The downward dog pose I can definitely try. After that, I’d like to try the “dog taking a nap” pose.

After my running commentary, and after, yes, trying a few poses, I was finished for my first day of yoga. By the way, if you were wondering, the closest my left foot can get to my right ear is right around my right knee.

The next day, as I’m getting ready to play tennis, I pick up my tennis partner, named Ron, and I tell him about my yoga experience. Thinking that he would naturally like to add some additional commentary to my own, I was actually surprised by his reaction.

He says, “Actually, I do hot yoga, and it’s done wonders for me!”

Ron goes on to tell me that hot yoga is where you do all these same poses, but you do it in a confined yoga studio where the room is heated to over 100 degrees Fahrenheit, which is supposed to help relax your muscles while you try each pose.

After hearing what hot yoga is, my running commentary automatically kicks in.

Hot yoga pose #1: Do they tell you where the defibrillator is in the room BEFORE you get going?

You may all want to plug your ears right now. I’m about to get out of my nice, comfy sofa.


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