By Bethany and Deb Liu
Tiger Cub:
I remember eavesdropping from my room as you and Dad lectured my brother, Jonathan, about dropping the ball on turning in an assignment. To be frank, it was terrifying to hear you both drone on about his abysmal performance during freshman and sophomore years because I could see myself in the same position once I hit high school.
He was eventually diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. After that, you and Dad were more understanding of what caused his inability to keep up and his avoidant behavior when he fell behind on his schoolwork. Once you were armed with an explanation, all three of you seemed to work together on helping him cope, which eventually led to his academic turnaround in the latter part of his high school years, leading to him getting into his first choice, Boston College.
While I didn’t think I had anxiety, I realized watching all of you go through this that I had the same reactions he did to many things. Looking back, I had such great anxiety talking to people that I didn’t have a close friend until 8th grade. My fear of embarrassment was so great that for many years I could barely speak louder than a whisper outside of home, even though you often beg me to speak more softly because of my loud personality with the family.
I still recall a parent-teacher conference we had together where you heard me speak in front of my teacher. I only said a few things slumped in my chair, and I did so in my normal school whisper. You and Dad were so shocked at the difference in my behavior that you forced me to explain why I could not use a normal voice at school.
Tiger Mom:
I remember the day your brother was born. He was in distress during the birth so they took him away before I got a chance to see him. I asked your father what he looked like, and he replied “He looks just like you, and he looks extremely anxious.”
I had always known that your brother had an anxious personality, but I was a bit surprised when you turned out to also. Since you were born, you have always been energetic and boisterous. Our home was filled with the sound of your voice since you could speak your first words. While your brother was always quieter and more contemplative, you were always the fun, outgoing one in our home — chattering away about anything and everything.
So when I saw you at the parent-teacher conference, I was shocked. You were nothing like home-Bethany. After that, we observed you carefully and saw how different you were from others outside of our home. You seemed to shrink the presence of others.
Then you started to show the same signs of anxiety that Jonathan had.
Tiger Cub:
To be honest, I was always super scared of talking to other people. Especially my teachers. Even now, I can hardly think of anything scarier than a conversation with you and dad, my teachers, and me. At least I got over speaking to my peers once I hit high school.
Every lunch period during sixth grade consisted of me grabbing school lunch, sitting on the ground alone and scarfing said lunch down at an inhuman pace. I would then run to the library to read alone. I was of course not the only one to do this (Jonathan would often also be in the library), though it was a little pathetic to have that become one of my daily routines. This tradition only ended with the beginning of online learning at the end of that school year and its continuation into the next.
Tiger Mom:
I was extremely anxious growing up. I had frequent panic attacks throughout high school, but I hid them from my parents. They would not understand the sense of impending doom, the heart racing, and the feeling I would hyperventilate. I was never diagnosed and outside of my sister, I told no one because I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone.
I never wanted to stress your grandparents out. They always lived with such financial uncertainty trying to make ends meet, and I didn’t want to add to that burden. I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to succeed so I could get a scholarship to escape that small town in the Deep South where I grew up. I felt like everything was on the line for me throughout high school.
In many ways, you and your siblings don’t have that same pressure. You are growing up in a place where you can easily fit in. You don’t have to worry about your parents losing everything like I did when my Dad’s shipyard closed and he moved to a neighboring state. Then that location shed a ton of workforce so he was reassigned halfway across the country.
I rarely told my parents when things happened because they were old-school immigrant parents. They didn’t believe me when I told them I was lactose intolerant and had “milk stomach aches” every day at school, except they themselves didn’t drink dairy for that reason. They also didn’t believe me when I told them I had food allergies even after I showed them my hives. So I can’t imagine that they would understand something as “American” as anxiety.
Tiger Cub:
In some ways, my anxiety feels like a type of inadequacy. I understand people who have anxiety due to legitimate reasons like you had. You grew up in a place where no one was like you. You were called names, and people used racial slurs against you and your family. Your anxiety was because you wanted to get out. I feel like my anxiety has no good origin. Most of my peers are anxious because we go to a competitive public school. While I’m from the same school, I feel like a fraud. I am the one who procrastinates and am scared to talk. I am often anxious about whether the diagnosis of anxiety is even real.
Tiger Mom:
So you are anxious about whether you have anxiety. Dad and I are super careful when referring to the diagnosis you and Jonathan received. Generalized anxiety disorder is something you are dealing with, but it is not something which defines you in any way. I outgrew the panic attacks in college, and they have rarely returned except for a few stressful periods in my life.
Tiger Cub:
It is good to know there may be a way to get over this or outgrow it.
In many ways, I feel like the title of our column is deceptive. I don’t think a real Tiger Mom would even consider testing their Cubs for anxiety since she would more likely be like my grandparents who didn’t even believe your severe allergies were real until you ended up in the emergency room.
You may be a fake Tiger Mom, Mom…. though, I suppose it could also be a signifier of times changing and even Tiger Moms having to accept the Cub’s mental health is really an issue.
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