You and Dad have been building a new house for nearly four years. It is honestly a very big house, one to support a family with a life that feels different from our own. I have never lived in a house with more than one floor, so even the stairs feel unfamiliar and strange to me. Not to mention that the new place comes with a room just for me. As someone who has shared a room with her little sister since she left her crib, I am not sure how to feel about all of this.
I’m a little scared of moving into the new house. It feels very empty whenever I am in it. There’s an almost echo-y quality to the home that gives it a weirdly haunting air, even though it’s a shiny new home that my parents custom-built for our family. I think the biggest barrier for me to get over is that they built it as a home for eight people, and now we will move in as a family of four.
Tiger Mom
I had no idea you felt this way. I see you and your sister avoiding going to the other house even though it is right next door. You both have largely refused to even visit or help move things unless we explicitly ask, and you leave as soon as we let you out of our sight.
We started building this new house when your grandparents’ health started to decline during the COVID lockdowns. Your grandmother, Nainai, was struggling to take care of your grandfather, Yeye, and we knew they would need to move in with us so we could help with their care. Though they lived down the street in our old house, we needed to be closer to help them and ensure nothing happened to them.
We built our forever home in 2010 when we moved to Palo Alto. The house was perfect for our family of four, then we had a surprise when your sister came along at
the same time my father, your Gonggong, passed away after a too-short bout with cancer. My mom, your Popo, moved in unexpectedly. Suddenly the house for four was too crowded for the six of us. We bought a new home so Popo could have her own space and not be cramped sharing a bathroom with you three kids.
Tiger Cub
I still miss our old house sometimes. It has a sepia hue in my memories. I’m sure that at that time, I didn’t love the house as much as I do now, but I had so many good memories in that place that I am scared of moving on from it. Though we have lived here in this house for 8 years, I worry about the memories of that old house fading away. Due to how long it has been, I don’t remember where we kept our Pyrex bowls. I don’t remember what bedroom Danielle and I used to share. I don’t know what the purpose of that room in the back was. My memories of the old house are closely entwined with my memories of my childhood, but also those of Yeye and Nainai living there after we moved. When the house got that makeover before we began renting it out, it was like everything I had known and loved about that house had been thrown away. The house was gorgeous, clean and empty, but it was missing all of my memories.
I’m terrified that the same will happen with our current house when we move next door. When we fully commit to moving to the other house, this house will be turned upside down, cleaned out, and prepared for others to move in. I won’t recognize anything but the frame of the home. Sometimes I see photos of the house back before we made it our own, and it’s an unfamiliar landscape. That’s what I think this house will become the second we move.
My memory is awful. One of the things that helps me best recall things is to view objects, places, or people that hold relevance to particular moments. The home we have right now has changed as we have lived in it, but it also has that frozen in time kind of feel. There’s always been an assortment of clutter on the floor, the spot where Wonton’s place and food are, and a perfect place on the couch for me to discard my
hoodies. When I see these things, memories of my time in this home come back easily to me.
When we move, we will create new memories, yes, but we will also be abandoning these old memories. A year from now, I don’t know if I will be able to remember the photos of our family on the walls. Five years from now, I won’t be able to tell you where I used to bake cookies. A decade from now, I probably won’t even remember what bedroom Popo used to stay in. It feels wrong when you try to remember the past but you can’t hold onto the facts that shaped that incarnation of the universe. When I remember making 韭菜盒 with Nainai, it makes me uneasy that I can’t remember what house I made them in. It makes me sad that I don’t know if Danielle helped make them or not. Sometimes, I wonder if I ever even made them with Nainai at all. I don’t want to leave behind the memories of this period of my life.
Tiger Mom
I didn’t realize how attached you were to our old house. We moved to this current house 8 years ago, more than half of the years you have been alive. Dad and I talked about how we love that old house and never wanted to leave it. When it came time to sell it when we moved to the current house, we offered it to his parents instead. That way they could move here from North Carolina and be closer to all of you. They were getting older and it was getting harder for us to go visit them twice a year. Your grandfather’s health was also fragile, so he wasn’t able to travel to come.
We outgrew that house when your sister and your grandmother came, and we thought you were happy here. I realize now that moving is hard. Next door or across the country, you are feeling the sense of loss and dislocation that comes with moving.
We built the new house to fill it with everyone we love, and in the end, we lost all three of your grandparents before we moved in. Then your brother went off to college, and what was meant to be a place for eight now feels empty.
We thought at least you and your sister would both be excited to move after having lived together (and fought together) for years. But it seems you are all reluctant to even contemplate relocating to a brand new house with your own space. We tried to let you paint it the color you want, offered you a budget to decorate it as you want, and even bought you a new bed. We are practically dragging you kicking and screaming into space.
Tiger Cub
I’ve always relished a little in the idea that I’ll get to have my own room, finally. I won’t have to hear Danielle snoring every night or upset when she wakes up in the middle of the night. There will be no line to use the bathroom, and no one to push my contact lenses into the trash can.
In this new house, my room is far from everyone else’s. I won’t be able to hear footsteps down the hall as my brother, Jonathan, walks to the bathroom. I won’t be able to creep up to Danielle as she sleeps to make sure she’s still breathing. As weird as it is, I can already imagine myself sneaking down the stairs at 3 am to make sure that everyone is ok. I’m a little scared that something really bad will happen and I will be blissfully unaware of it.
Tiger Mom
I understand. You have had a roommate for your whole life, and now you are facing the reality of having your own room and space. I can see why that can be daunting.
Change is hard. I hope you know that we will be making new and wonderful memories in the new house. You will each finally have a desk in your room and no longer have to fight about what time the lights go out or who gets to shower first.
The house is big and empty right now because we haven’t moved in, but I think you should give it a chance. You loved our old house, and you love this house we live in now. I am sure you will grow to love the new house too if you give it a shot.
Tiger Cub
I will try my best to love our new house. I think I will grow to like it, I will grow used to living there. I look forward to one day raising my kids in that house. I will have the chance to make so many magical memories in that house that will mean so much to me in the future. I guess I just have to give that house a chance.
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