by Matthew Yoshimoto
When former Goldman Sachs banker Cassindy Chao began her journey as a professional matchmaker, she expected challenges, but nothing prepared her for the senior matchmaker’s suggestion to charge Asian men three times more than their non-Asian counterparts. Stunned, Chao recognized this blatant discrimination as a firsthand example of how stereotypes influence dating dynamics among her “AAPI family—my brothers, cousins, and sons.”
This recommendation was not just a financial slight to Chao; it exposed systemic prejudice in the dating industry which she said can deeply impact real relationships. Determined to combat these biases, she committed to dismantling enduring stereotypes and supporting her community.
To achieve this, Chao recently launched a campaign called “H.A.M.™,” which stands for Hot Asian Men, aimed at challenging the stereotypes of Asian men that diminish their romantic appeal. These perceptions can adversely affect their mental well-being, Chao explained.
The campaign is backed by a recent survey she conducted with over 100 women from various racial and ethnic backgrounds regarding their perceptions of East Asian men. The findings showed that 80% of participants were open to dating East Asian men, attributing them with positive traits like intelligence, education and attractiveness.
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This marks a notable departure from a 2014 Tinder study, Chao noted, which indicated that Asian men were among the least favored profiles on the app.
“The H.A.M.™ campaign is more than a celebration of Asian men’s attractiveness; it’s a step towards redefining these outdated perceptions. It seeks to celebrate the full spectrum of Asian male identity, moving beyond the limiting stereotypes to recognize the depth, complexity, and attractiveness of Asian men. It’s a call to recognize and celebrate the beauty, strength, and desirability of Asian men. Because they are not just great – they are HOT,” Chao shared with AsAmNews.
Starting as a matchmaker at Wellesley College in Massachusetts, Chao transitioned from helping her friends find love to facilitating over 100 successful student matches. She paused her work matchmaking to pursue a career in New York’s investment banking sector and to found two technology startups.
Chao “eventually followed her heart,” completing an exclusive program dubbed “The Love M.B.A.” and became one of 25 elite matchmakers across the U.S., Europe, and Asia.
Noting that Asian men have been historically marginalized in Western media, often depicting them as one-dimensional and lacking qualities of attractiveness, masculinity and romantic appeal, Chao said she believes “the pace of change is frustratingly slow.”
In the survey, she found the primary issue noted by the women was the limited opportunities to meet East Asian men, with social circles and workplace dynamics heavily influencing their dating preferences. Others showed hesitation and shared they hoped for greater cross-cultural understanding.
“This prejudice is rooted in historical and cultural biases that date back to the earliest interactions between Western societies and Asian cultures,” Chao told AsAmNews. The emasculation of Asian men in media, coupled with the fetishization of Asian women, has created a distorted and harmful narrative that affects real lives and relationships. It’s a narrative that needs to be challenged and changed.”
Brandon Kim, 19, who is Korean American, said that though his racial identity hasn’t significantly affected his personal dating life, he encourages greater representation so as to ensure dating for Asian men becomes “more accepting.”
Kim explained he has seen a rise in more positive and diverse representations of Asian men in media, such as with the movie Crazy Rich Asians and the rise of Simu Liu. He described this as contributing to a subtle shift in societal perceptions of Asian men, transforming them from somewhat undesirable to being seen as attractive and multidimensional.
Jennifer Whang, a marriage and family therapist, added the idea that Asian men were undesirable has been present since the 19th century when Asian Americans immigrated to the country. She described only seeing a noticeable change in societal perceptions toward Asian men recently with the rise of K-pop.
While she noted a shift in perceptions of Asian men due to the rising popularity of Korean culture, she said this could place an unrealistic expectation onto Asian men that they never would have felt before. This, Whang explained, “can be a lot of pressure for the Asian men in the community because they don’t meet the expected stereotypes.”
Since this new societal perception stemmed from K-pop and Korean entertainment, according to Whang, she believes perceptions of Korean men in dating could mainly apply to Korean men rather than men from all Asian countries.
“What they’re seeing is like this different representation and of this different representation, like a romanticized way, not necessarily reality,” Whang told AsAmNews. “It’s playing off of two extremes, from one extreme to even more desirable. But now we have the hyper-fixation thinking there are these romantic men that are just going to be giving you roses and are soft all the time.”
Noting that this shift in the narrative around Asian men can cause them to continue experiencing feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem, Whang shared her thoughts on navigating these challenges: “The most important thing for Asian men in dating is knowing who they are and what they value.”
She added Asian men should go beyond dating apps in the real world and have open conversations with people. Whang explained that asking partners about their past dating experiences, particularly with Asian men, could be helpful to better understand their partners’ feelings or attitudes.
“This feels like such a mixed bag,” Whang said to AsAmNews. “On one hand, [this shift may be] able to change the narrative for Asian men in dating, but at the same time, I feel like it might come at a cost to an individual, because if they have this expectation that they’re supposed to meet a stereotype through the media, to what cost do the men have to uphold that? I just hope that we’re able to find more balance.”
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Thanks – I wrote this in 2019 –
The Three Body Problem in Asian American Romance
https://going2peace.medium.com/the-three-body-problem-in-asian-american-romance-703d0968a53c